A mothers wrath

Today I found out what it’s like to be a mother and having to protect my kids. My kids father has get it in his head   that he should fight me for joint custody of our kids. Now probably wouldn’t have been a problem if he didn’t tell me that I was the reason why he couldn’t be a good dad. That shit just put me in such a bad place because first off, I have never kept his kids away from him or ever told him no when it comes to them. He when he came to me with this he was very hustle and just approached me in the wrong way. I feel that he is not justified in even asking me to share my kids for six months at a time. For one he doesn’t call his kids. He waits for me to call him. Second he doesn’t contribute finically for his kids. My boyfriend pays the bills that he should be paying like childcare. Third he is already struggling to keep his own household to together and take care of his other three kids, so why would I send two more kids and add to his load. In his head none of this things matter he wants his kids. I refused to let him have my kids for six months straight and I told him he could have them every weekend. He wouldn’t agree to it and it just made things worse. I have never been in this place it’s like we are at war. In the eight years that we were together I and he never fought like we did today and I really just don’t know how to handle this. I feel attacked and threatened and it puts me in a dark place.

Trust issues

Some people are just plain mean and fake. Why is it that humans just can’t be genuine and honest? Honestly is one of the easiest reactions but it is the hardest for most people to practice.

This week has been hell at work. Everybody has their friends at work. I only had two friends Jessica and Patti. The reason why I only have two is because it’s hard for me get close or let people get close to me. Well, today I found out that Patti set me up at work and got me in trouble. I don’t know why she did it but I would like to know the reason.

I am the type of person that can take constructive criticism, if I am doing something wrong I would like to know, and I don’t like to be the last to know. I will go to a person and tell them if there is a problem. My mom always told me ‘’ never burn your bridges’’. I try not to end any type of relationship on bad terms. I am friends with all of my exes, and I can have good conversations any of them and I am a good problem solver. It is not hard for me to work out any problem if I know about it.

When I found out what Patti had done I was shocked. I didn’t know that there was a problem between us. I was hurt at the fact that she didn’t have the guts to come to me first. What makes it worse is the fact that she put my job on the line. Close friends don’t cross each other that way. I don’t even know how to address the problem now. Do I just stop talking to her? , do I ask her why she did it? , or do I cuss her out?

This whole situation has me questioning who I can and cannot trust. It brings the trust issues I have back up, and It has me wondering about my other relationships with the other people in my life.

This sucks

The Indian that could

One day an old Indian woman told a magical story to her sick grandson about how a big yellow bird use to fly around and pick up all the sick children and take them to see the great healer on the highest mountain in the land. She told him about how after the kids would see the Great Healer the kids would get better and the big yellow bird would bring them back home. This made the grandson wonder of he was going to get to see the big yellow bird one day. That night the boy went to bed and dreamed that he was flying with the bird. They flew all over the land. They saw the pyramids of Africa, the great lake and North America, the jungles of South America. The boy was very happy to have been able to fly with the great bird.

The boy and the bird arrived at a giant mountain with beautiful flowers and plants and animals he had never seen before. At the top of the mountain sat a old skinny man with a long white beard and a great big cane mead of wood. The man said hello, and the said hi back. The boy was a little scared but the old man told him not to be and that he was going to make him all better. The man waved his cane and said a prayer. The man kissed him on the forehead and told him to return home.

As they returned home suddenly the bird slowed down as they were coming back over his house and the boy could see his grandmother standing on the porch with a blank expression on her face. He called out to her but she did not look up. Just as he was about to call her name again a big black horse showed up. The horse ran up to the porch and his grandmother jumped up on the horse and they started to leave. The boy called out to grandmother again and this time she looked up and blew him a kiss just as the horse left his sight.

The next day when the boy woke up he felt a lot better. He ran to his grandmother to tell her about his dream. When he got to the room his grandmother was gone. The child wondered if the black horse that his grandma was taken her somewhere that she would get better too and come home.  As time went by she never returned so the boy would stand outside every boy in a big yellow bird suite and wait to see if he could get the great birds attention so he could get the bird to help him look for his grandmother.

Lately

Lately I have been struggling with my decisions, and wondering whether or not they are good ones or bad ones. I have so many different situations going on that it’s getting hard to keep them all straight, between work, school, kids, baby daddy, and new boyfriend, who I just moved in with, my head is spinning. Work is stressful because people are always breathing down your neck, talking behind your back and waiting for you to mess up so they can have something to talk about. School is hard. The assignments came back to back every day. It is very hard to make sure you get everything done. Once you get one thing done here is something else to do and make sure you don’t forget anything. My kids are great but I barely get to see them and interact with them. I’m so tried by the time I see them all I want them to do is be quite and settle down. I know that all they want to do is talk to me and play. I just wish I had the time and energy for my kids. My baby daddy can be very difficult sometimes, one minute he is bagging me to come home, and in the next minute he wants me to let my kids come stay with him. The problem with this is that I can’t live without my kids and I’m doing all of this for them. I’m afraid that one day he is really going to be pissed that I am not coming back that he will try to take me to court for custody and he might win because I’m so busy. Last but not least is living and getting use to my boyfriend. His great person but everybody has their ways and some of his are hard for me to deal with and lately I feel like we are just getting on each other’s nerves. I feel like I’m going on a downward spiral. I just hope it turns around soon.

Putting on a show

    

All week long there has been inspectors, from the state, at my job have. So people have running around acting like they are the perfect little workers, that they are not, and making other workers think they haven't been doing their jobs right. The tension in the house was so thick it made it stressful to be at work. On one side you have the state people watching you and on the other you have your boss in your ear saying ''do this, do that, you’re not supposed to do this, and you’re supposed to do that’ .Like they were making it up as they went, because they were just as lost as we were.

  To me it seemed like was some type of great production that was about to be broadcasted to the world. You had the clean-up crew/workers (me), the actors/managers, the director/the boss, and the inspectors were the audience / judges. To me it was funny to watch the actors and bosses run round trying to correct things at the last minute. That the workers had been complaining about for months but were just ignored, till now. Then they get upset with us because we didn't know answers to the questions the state was asking us because we weren't trained on the things that they wanted to know.

So the show the show is over, the curtains are down, and the actors and directors are taking their bawls, the audience is cheering and clapping. And where are we, the cleanup crew?  In the back getting ready for the next show. With no time to breath, no ‘’thanks you did a great job’’ or even a, ’’thanks for saving my ass”. Just ,’’see you next time’’ and ‘’be on time’’.

Update

So I moved into my new place a month ago and my mom just moved in last night. I’m o.k. with it but it’s just that, I wish that I and my boyfriend, Chris, had a little more time to get settled in. Don’t get me wrong it’s a blessing that I have a place for her to come to, but now my living room and kitchen look like something out of the TV Show, Hoarders. There is one narrow pathway that leads around the house. I’ll be happy when I get the money to get her a storage room somewhere. A least now I have a great cook living with me.

In the other parts of my life, my second job is starting to get on my nerves. The new managers are being very anal about the rules and regulations. So everyone is running around trying to make sure that everything is in order. My kids are good even though I miss them because I don’t see them as much as I would like, with having; two jobs and being a full time student.

With all the things going on,  sometimes  I want to quit but I just keep it in my head that I’m doing this so that me and my kids will have a better future. I’m willing to do whatever to takes to make it.

Starting Fresh

This year has a lot of new beginnings for me; a new car, new house, new boyfriend and a whole new outlook on life itself. I plan to start this year off in a positive way without letting anyone get me down or try to hold me back. I plan on moving forward and not looking back, but not forgetting the people who have helped me along the way.

 This year I’m going to take my kids new places and do many different and new things. I want them to see the world and have a lot of different experiences, so that that they can see that the world has much more to offer then what is in front of them. I’m going to make sure they know that can do anything if they put their head in it.

Besides being a better parent, I also want to finish school and get into the nursing field. I would love to be able to help people and maybe save lives.   I want to have a major impact on life. I want to leave a legacy behind so my kids have great stories to tell their kids.

Also, this year I would like to get a better connection with God. I need that to become a better person mind, body, and soul. I hope to be a little less lazy as far as exercise goes I really need to lose a lot of weight. I feel like I can’t do that unless I can get a clear head and in order to do that I need a stronger link to God.

So all in all 2012  is going to be a great year for me, my kids, my friends and family, co-workers, and the new love in my life.

new english class

so today is the second day of this class n she has use blogging never did it before but this should be interesting.